Friday, 14 February 2014

Hello Again

Dear Shakespeare,

I think I've forgotten how to write, words no longer flow with a natural rhythm, everything I write is pained and over-thought and jarring. I haven't written to you in a while, but I'm not really all that sorry because I didn't  have much to say, I was busy working out how I feel and what I think and who I am, but I still feel confused and tired, and oddly content.

Sometimes I feel invincible, the terrible cliché adults associate with teenagers. When I get this way everything feels heightened, like I'm on the verge of actualizing my dreams. But suddenly something changes and instead of invincibility, the self doubt I feel is dizzying. And the thought of people looking at my face, let alone interacting with me is crazy scary, so scary that I retreat into myself. Kinda as a way of dreaming rather than living. 

But I spent a month in Ethiopia over the summer break, being there removed me from the regularities of my life, especially all the socializing and internet stuffz. When I was there I rarely had internet access and it gave me a break from all the documenting and recording of social media and blogging, and the internet in a general sense. Instead of always showing others or telling others what I thought and what I had done, I experienced things for myself and I did not later write about the experiences for them to be praised or critiqued. I'm sorry if I sound cynical, I promise I'm not, but I think I've undergone a disillusionment with the internet, I've remembered that life exists outside of it. 
I know what I've written isn't much or meaningful, its just blabbery stuff. I'll write more soon, about Ethiopia: I took a lot of photos on my film camera with the objective of trying to capture the beauty and complexity of the country. But also about general preoccupations of my mind. I'm in year 11 now, which seems kinda scary. Also I've been doing more paintings about how I feel, the first one is about discord and stuff the the second is more about everything feeling right and like harmonious and stuffz: 

Write to you soon
Ps. sorry for the emotional, disjointed and shitty post
P.P.s the song for this letter is Sunday by Earl Sweatshirt, this is rllyy god rap

Truly Mary,