Sometimes it’s hard to see an end to the day in and day out, the waking up at unholy hours of the morning, grey train rides full of unconcerned people, the constant tiredness, aching bones, angst, the boredom and the longing. Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning in the pattern of my life, nothing new happens, what happens tomorrow is merely a rerun of my yesterday. It’s a feeling of claustrophobia almost; like I’m stifled and gasping for air. I've always thought that things would get better as I got older; you know the kinda thing where as you get older you gain more freedom, responsibility and all that other stuff, you are bound by less restriction. I don’t know if that’s true anymore, I mean I know it’s true to a certain extent, in the sort of sense where once you reach eighteen you can go clubbing and the like. But I don’t mean it like that, I just feel like once I get older maybe I’ll still wake up at unholy hours of the morning, still take grey train rides full of unconcerned people, and maybe I’ll grow to like it all. Maybe I’ll grow used to gasping.
I don’t know what I want to do after school is over, lots of people I know do. Doctor. Engineer. Lawyer. Psychiatrist. I’m scared that my indecision will fuck me over, that I’ll end up grey. Everything I want seems idealistic and related to creative pursuits, and anyways I worry that I’m not good enough, I just wish that I could want something more “real life”.
Maybe I’m just feeling all of this because I wish I was somewhere else, Australia can feel like the arse end of the world, far away from everywhere except for New Zealand. I wish I lived in London, I wish I could just go to a Sub Luna City gig on a Saturday night, or go to Arvida Bystrom’s art gallery, or see Rejjie Snow live, or take a train to Sweden or Germany to see my family. I know Australia is incredibly interesting, but it’s so easy to feel disconnected from the rest of the world, it’s so easy to stay cooped up in suburbia rather than going out. I guess I’m still feeling passive about life, but now I feel like to rid that feeling I've got to go far away from here.
More of my paintings 'n' stuff:
|this napkin was from a lovely day I had meandering around the city, and invisibly people watching on the lawn of the state library.|
P.s I went to Retrostar's $10 warehouse sale in Brunswick today, it was really fun and I bought a few nice things like:
|they were rllyyy comfy couches|
|Also there was a hello kitty popcorn maker!!!!!|
P.p.s I couldn't decide which song to choose for this letter so I've settled on two:
Sub Luna City